Missing Gramma

I have been really missing my Gramma...... a lot of missing her has been in silence as everyone goes about their life, my heart is still broken over her passing. It has been just about 3 months since she has passed on into the presence of our Heavenly Father. I can still hear her Latvian accent calling out my name in my mind. I go back over to the times we spent and the many times we would just talk about her life in her country, the fleeing of her homeland, living in a displacement camp, meeting Grampa, and coming to America. Her childhood stories were extra special. I wanted so badly to know all that I could of her life and times before she came to America. She shared about the time she was an actress on stage, as was her father

 (My Great Grandfather) and stepmother. She talked about the house she lived in, and how she was practically raised by her Gramma. She shared how as a little girl, during the war some American soldiers came to her home ( I'm not sure as to why they were there) but the funny part of the story was that she had never seen a colored person before. There standing over her was a very tall, very dark man as she said he was black as night. Her eyes widened and she fainted at his sight. For her, it was new and scary, but she laughed about it later. That must have been quite a fright for someone who has never seen dark skin in person. I could only picture it. She shared about the time she lived in the displacement camp in Germany after fleeing her country during the war. How she lived, what they did and meeting my Grampa there. I do wish now, that we could have recorded her telling her stories. It is too late now and it makes me sad. I am very grateful that I did take the time to just sit with her and ask .... I will treasure them up in my heart.

We had a special bond, even though I will admit it was only in the most recent years that we grew closer. She had my sister living with her throughout the years as my parents, my brother and I moved around a lot. I never really felt connected and perhaps I felt she favored my sister more... I am not totally certain, but that is how I perceived it. I will always hold dear the times and memories that we did have as I spent time in her home for a couple of Summers. I wanted very much to be close to my Grandparents. I remember being at her feet with whatever task she was doing. I stuck close and enjoyed seeing how very creative she was when it came to handiwork and cooking the best food. And I will cherish that she showed me her affection. It was really in the last 20 years our relationship grew... I had the first Great Grandbaby and would bring him over for visits during the time my Grampa was dieing. I helped my Gramma care for Grampy to the end. She called on me when she needed me the most. We found that we had the same sort of love for old things and cute things. She spent time with us in our home, and had fun shopping through the antique shops. Her taste was very much like mine. I just loved that about her. She truly had a great eye for decorating as well as fashion. She liked nice things and always made sure she was fixed up with a nice hairdo and makeup wearing her stylish clothes. Then her health started to to deteriorate. There was a huge gap of 10 years when we lived in Washington, where we didn't see each other often. We had periodical phone conversations and visits when we would come down to Southern California. I always felt that we could pick up where we left off as if we were never parted. I really hope she knew how much I really adored her. I tried very hard to convey that to her, especially when we lived with her last year for a 6 month stay as we were in transition. I believe God had us there to spend those 6 months with her as she was failing in health dramatically. I would go into her room every night ( as long as she was home and not in the hospital ) we would just talk for hours...We talked about everything. We talked about her life in depth, her feelings about family, faith and God as well as her deepest feelings, regrets, broken heart, shattered spirit and loneliness... We connected... It was beautiful but heartbreaking. Because this was not the same Gramma I knew growing up. She was worried, she struggled with her breathing, she would forget things and she started falling. The hardest thing I had to do was seeing her in the pain that she was in, she suffered not only in her health but with certain feelings in her heart. She could no longer bathe herself and we would have to pick her up off the floor when she had fallen. My heart broke, and I knew it was not going to be too much longer for her. 

I see it as a gift. I had some really special moments with her during that 6 months and I learned a lot. There is so much more but it is too personal. I will hold it close with me...Because it was our time, no one elses. Before she passed away she had given me some of her things...Things I will hold dear and will always make me think of her as I use them in my life. The old pictures will always be a favorite of mine. As a visual person, I can really appreciate those things to look through and see her in them. I was really missing her the other day. I pass by my bedroom door and there is the picture of her and I before she passed away, I just sigh as my heart sinks. I pulled out the old photos of her as a young girl and her life in Latvia and America... I wish I could have been there to see those moments in person. I brought out my Latvian jewelry I have collected through the years, some were gifts, and some were hers...The beautiful silver rings and amber from her Country brings me closer to her in so many ways. Because I truly feel I can identify myself in her and my Latvian heritage. I ran across old letters that were written to her from family back in Latvia, Latvian cards and a photograph of the house she lived in as a girl. Pictured below is the house in color, which stands today. Next to that is a little black and white photo of her in the window of that house.

 It gave me goosebumps and smiles.

Oh Gramma how I miss you.

The night before Gramma passed away she had been in and out of consciousness. My mom called me through facetime ( video chat ) where she allowed me to see my Gramma on the phone. I called out to her and told her how much I loved her and told her I loved her in Latvian.... God gave me one last gift, He gave my Gramma enough strength to open her eyes toward the phone as she nodded her head to me...Yes! I am certain Gramma heard me, I know she wanted to respond back. It was a gift enough to have that last moment with her even if it was through the video phone. I went to bed that night, hoping we could make it in time to see her in person the next day as we planned to drive...But the call had come in as the sun started to rise, that she had gone. Praise the Lord, for allowing me to tell her I loved her before she went into her eternal rest. We still made the trip and planned her intimate, private memorial...I was gifted her last two rings she wore when she passed away. Pictured below. They are beautiful. My sister had actually gifted them to her when she went to Latvia a few years back. But, my sister wanted me to have them.

My dream is to go back to my Grandparents homeland, where we have family there. Slowly I am socking away the funds...Lord willing I will make it there next Summer. I will go to her home and walk where she did and I will picture her there beside me. She desperately wanted to go back, but her health kept her from travelling. I will go for her and it will be glorious.

In Her Room

It has only been a week since the Lord took my Gramma home. My heart is aching as I have had a bit of trouble believing this is real. My Gramma has been a big part of my life... I don't know that time can heal a heart. I have looked to the Lord in prayer to help me cope. I have had the greatest support from my Husband and kids as well as sweet messages from friends. Freckles and I spent the week in my Gramma's room, in my mother's home. It was strange to say the least. Looking around her room just as she left it before she went into the hospital was like time had stopped. I took it in... The pictures on her walls, the curio filled with her sweet nick knacks, her makeup in the bathroom, all where she had left it. Every nook and cranny was filled with her. We slept in her bed, the smell of her was in the pillows. It brought tears as my heart sank.

 Trying to grasp, she is no longer here. 

To me, her room is beautiful. Gramma always loved beautiful things around her. From her tea pot collection, little cow figurines, flowers in or on everything. She had superb taste in clothing, in her linens and her food. It had to be good quality. She even enjoyed a good bargain. 

She had an eye for beauty. 

It will not be the same without her here. I am so blessed to have her as a Gramma. She touched my life... I will forever cherish every time we would get together she and I would have great conversation. When my family came to live with my parents and Gramma for six months, Freckles and I would sit on her bed every night and talk. We would talk about life, our hurts, joy, her young years in Latvia, wartime and Germany, how she met Grampa, when she came to the U.S. She talked a lot about her own Gramma. We talked about God, faith, family and the broken heart she had from relationships in her life that never had closure. She was always interested in how we were too. It was a time where I really needed someone to be there for my family and I during such a hard time. She was always there, always caring and selfless towards us. And she was there for my daughter when she needed it the most... Their bond was the sweetest. I am sure Freckles will cherish that forever. Gramma had wise words and loved unconditionally. She was amazing. I am grateful that we took the time to really get to know her with all her sweetness and even her flaws. It really didn't matter and I will never take her for granted. Life is too short. I am at peace knowing that she did believe in God.... I know she is at rest in the Lords glory. 

And I know I will see her again.

For now I will hold onto the wonderful memories we shared through the years. I don't remember a time where she wasn't there. She had me in her home for Summers. She would take me to have pancakes every morning, we would shop for clothes, I would watch her bake or cook as I sat at her feet, she would sing me sweet little songs in Latvian. I was mesmerized by her crocheting/knitting, we lived with her and Grampa several times throughout my childhood. She was always there to pick up the pieces. Into my adulthood she was still there. We enjoyed shopping in antique shops or clothing stores. She taught me how to make some Latvian dishes which I will hand down to my children...She was a fabulous cook. I learned from the best. She held my hand when I needed it the most... Just four weeks ago we went to see her in the hospital. I knew it would probably be the last time I would see her. I held her as she wept, we both wept.... She told me how much she loved me and in return I told her how very much I loved her. I held her hand in mine. I hope it helped her in her greatest time of need just as she was for me. That day was the hardest to leave. I told her I loved her in Latvian, 'Es tevi mīlu"... Then I blew her a kiss from the doorway and said "boochies" which is like a sweet way to say kisses. I paused and looked one more time and she smiled at me.

That is just how I want to remember her. 

Not in the hospital or in pain and suffering as she was... 

But the smile on her face.

She Is With The Lord...

Rita Karklins Sirs

December 04, 1931~ February 18, 2014

My beloved Gramma passed away this last week. My heart is broken...I feel a part of me has died. Yet, I am also filled with joy. Knowing that God had given me this amazing woman for all of my life. She is truly a gift. She will always be remembered with fond memories and a swelled heart that has been filled up with nothing but love. 

She is with the Lord.

Her private, yet intimate memorial was held this last Saturday at a family friends home. It was a wonderful way for our little family to come together and honor my beautiful Gramma's life. 

I had chosen a song that played during the memorial. 

Thought I would share:

******

~HOMESICK~

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Gramma, It will never be the same without you. 

You will be greatly missed.

 I miss you...

Until we meet again.

 I love you!

Her 13th Year

My precious girl is celebrating her 13th year today. I can't believe she's a teenager now. The time has passed...I promised myself I wouldn't blink, but I did...She is growing up into a fine young lady. We decided to take some pictures of her last day being 12 and welcoming in her 13th year. We wanted them to reflect her...So we went with books. She is an avid reader and loves to collect books....It was fitting for my sweet girl.

 

 

We have been collecting these beautiful leather bound classics from Barnes And Nobel. I also added a few which she will get later as one of her gifts. The covers and illustrations are fantastic. 

 

 

 

 

 

We also gave her a bunch of flowers. The sunflower bouquet was given to her by her daddy. He brought them home just as we were taking these pictures.

 

 

And let's not forget the birthday crown I made, so she can wear it every birthday.
We have a fun filled day per her request. Birthday presents,French crepes for breakfast,
 a trip to the book store, a movie and Red Robin for dinner.
She's gonna love it.
Happy Birthday to our beautiful daughter, Freckles...
We love you.

Good Times With Grandparents

Sorry for the quiet blog...We have been on vacation for the last couple weeks. Freckles and I took a spontaneous trip up to Washington to see my Dad and Mama in Olympia, Washington for a week and our son the following week. We caught an early flight out so we would have more daylight to spend with Freckles, Grandparents. Poor Freckles didn't remember flying in a plane when she was younger...So the anticipation and unknown crept in with a bit of fear when we took off. I held her hand and looked into her eyes filled with crocodile tears and tried to comfort her with words, that the Lord will keep us safe and to trust in Him. After a while
 she relaxed and actually thought it was pretty cool. 

We arrived into SeaTac where my parents awaited our arrival. We were tired...but excited to visit and see the sights. It was a bit of a drive to Olympia...Where my parents have retired. A lovely bay community with breathtaking views, wildlife and great weather...considering it rains there a lot. We so happened to be there at the perfect time of the Summer. We settled in and took a stroll through their neighborhood, with the water just walking distance away. Freckles and her Grampa embraced as we walked down by the bay...It was the sweetest sight.

 

 

In just that short span we encountered a pack of seals, jellyfish and crabs...Just the things you would expect to see in Washington. We walked down the pier where a couple was crabbing...They invited us to pull up a couple of the nets...It was fun watching my girl enjoy this activity...which she was apprehensive to do at first. She did an awesome job and pulled in several, throwing back the small ones of course.

 

 

We walked down by the shore and soaked up the sights.
 But the fun part was just ahead. 

 

Yes...Freckles and her Grandparents went swinging on the swing set.
What a sight that was. They all got a kick out of it, feeling like young kids again.
It was a good afternoon spent, making memories.