Missing Gramma

I have been really missing my Gramma...... a lot of missing her has been in silence as everyone goes about their life, my heart is still broken over her passing. It has been just about 3 months since she has passed on into the presence of our Heavenly Father. I can still hear her Latvian accent calling out my name in my mind. I go back over to the times we spent and the many times we would just talk about her life in her country, the fleeing of her homeland, living in a displacement camp, meeting Grampa, and coming to America. Her childhood stories were extra special. I wanted so badly to know all that I could of her life and times before she came to America. She shared about the time she was an actress on stage, as was her father

 (My Great Grandfather) and stepmother. She talked about the house she lived in, and how she was practically raised by her Gramma. She shared how as a little girl, during the war some American soldiers came to her home ( I'm not sure as to why they were there) but the funny part of the story was that she had never seen a colored person before. There standing over her was a very tall, very dark man as she said he was black as night. Her eyes widened and she fainted at his sight. For her, it was new and scary, but she laughed about it later. That must have been quite a fright for someone who has never seen dark skin in person. I could only picture it. She shared about the time she lived in the displacement camp in Germany after fleeing her country during the war. How she lived, what they did and meeting my Grampa there. I do wish now, that we could have recorded her telling her stories. It is too late now and it makes me sad. I am very grateful that I did take the time to just sit with her and ask .... I will treasure them up in my heart.

We had a special bond, even though I will admit it was only in the most recent years that we grew closer. She had my sister living with her throughout the years as my parents, my brother and I moved around a lot. I never really felt connected and perhaps I felt she favored my sister more... I am not totally certain, but that is how I perceived it. I will always hold dear the times and memories that we did have as I spent time in her home for a couple of Summers. I wanted very much to be close to my Grandparents. I remember being at her feet with whatever task she was doing. I stuck close and enjoyed seeing how very creative she was when it came to handiwork and cooking the best food. And I will cherish that she showed me her affection. It was really in the last 20 years our relationship grew... I had the first Great Grandbaby and would bring him over for visits during the time my Grampa was dieing. I helped my Gramma care for Grampy to the end. She called on me when she needed me the most. We found that we had the same sort of love for old things and cute things. She spent time with us in our home, and had fun shopping through the antique shops. Her taste was very much like mine. I just loved that about her. She truly had a great eye for decorating as well as fashion. She liked nice things and always made sure she was fixed up with a nice hairdo and makeup wearing her stylish clothes. Then her health started to to deteriorate. There was a huge gap of 10 years when we lived in Washington, where we didn't see each other often. We had periodical phone conversations and visits when we would come down to Southern California. I always felt that we could pick up where we left off as if we were never parted. I really hope she knew how much I really adored her. I tried very hard to convey that to her, especially when we lived with her last year for a 6 month stay as we were in transition. I believe God had us there to spend those 6 months with her as she was failing in health dramatically. I would go into her room every night ( as long as she was home and not in the hospital ) we would just talk for hours...We talked about everything. We talked about her life in depth, her feelings about family, faith and God as well as her deepest feelings, regrets, broken heart, shattered spirit and loneliness... We connected... It was beautiful but heartbreaking. Because this was not the same Gramma I knew growing up. She was worried, she struggled with her breathing, she would forget things and she started falling. The hardest thing I had to do was seeing her in the pain that she was in, she suffered not only in her health but with certain feelings in her heart. She could no longer bathe herself and we would have to pick her up off the floor when she had fallen. My heart broke, and I knew it was not going to be too much longer for her. 

I see it as a gift. I had some really special moments with her during that 6 months and I learned a lot. There is so much more but it is too personal. I will hold it close with me...Because it was our time, no one elses. Before she passed away she had given me some of her things...Things I will hold dear and will always make me think of her as I use them in my life. The old pictures will always be a favorite of mine. As a visual person, I can really appreciate those things to look through and see her in them. I was really missing her the other day. I pass by my bedroom door and there is the picture of her and I before she passed away, I just sigh as my heart sinks. I pulled out the old photos of her as a young girl and her life in Latvia and America... I wish I could have been there to see those moments in person. I brought out my Latvian jewelry I have collected through the years, some were gifts, and some were hers...The beautiful silver rings and amber from her Country brings me closer to her in so many ways. Because I truly feel I can identify myself in her and my Latvian heritage. I ran across old letters that were written to her from family back in Latvia, Latvian cards and a photograph of the house she lived in as a girl. Pictured below is the house in color, which stands today. Next to that is a little black and white photo of her in the window of that house.

 It gave me goosebumps and smiles.

Oh Gramma how I miss you.

The night before Gramma passed away she had been in and out of consciousness. My mom called me through facetime ( video chat ) where she allowed me to see my Gramma on the phone. I called out to her and told her how much I loved her and told her I loved her in Latvian.... God gave me one last gift, He gave my Gramma enough strength to open her eyes toward the phone as she nodded her head to me...Yes! I am certain Gramma heard me, I know she wanted to respond back. It was a gift enough to have that last moment with her even if it was through the video phone. I went to bed that night, hoping we could make it in time to see her in person the next day as we planned to drive...But the call had come in as the sun started to rise, that she had gone. Praise the Lord, for allowing me to tell her I loved her before she went into her eternal rest. We still made the trip and planned her intimate, private memorial...I was gifted her last two rings she wore when she passed away. Pictured below. They are beautiful. My sister had actually gifted them to her when she went to Latvia a few years back. But, my sister wanted me to have them.

My dream is to go back to my Grandparents homeland, where we have family there. Slowly I am socking away the funds...Lord willing I will make it there next Summer. I will go to her home and walk where she did and I will picture her there beside me. She desperately wanted to go back, but her health kept her from travelling. I will go for her and it will be glorious.

Don't Forget To Laugh....

These last couple weeks have surely been filled with heartache. The loss of my Gramma has not been easy for me. One would never know how they will react to loss of a loved one. I tried to be the brave one when my Gramma passed. I was running on adrenaline the week of her passing as we planned her memorial. After the memorial, it started to really sink in. I knew I had to make the long drive home a couple days after the memorial. I had to make sure I could mentally do the trip without falling apart, with my daughter in the car. Once we arrived home safely, walked in our home and finally reunited with my Dear Mr. Darling...Is when it all came to a head. I could finally release what I have been bottling up inside for days. I needed it to come out. I missed my Gramma and the thought of not being able to see her again left a huge gash in my heart. Mr. Darling brought me back down to reality. The truth of God's word, the fact that I will see her again...one day. It would be something I could look forward to when the Lord takes me home one day. Those are the truths that I must hold onto....And surely my Gramma wouldn't want me to be sorrowful for her all my life. I am pretty sure she would want me to be happy...The comforting words of the Bible and my husband has sunk in... Each day gets a little better. I think of her and always will. I will cherish the times I had with her. I will never forget our special bond. I look forward to being with her again one day. I have been a little bit of a wreck the past couple weeks. It is time for me to get up, get out and find joy in this precious life God has given us. I need to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend I was created to be. I made it out a couple times this last week...Did a little retail therapy as well as crafting therapy for myself. I am one that tends to neglect myself. Today I got dressed, put a little makeup on, went out with my girl and even made something for myself. A reminder to let joy abound, find happiness in the little things, and laugh.... It is known that laughter is good medicine for those who are down, depressed and stressed. 

The Bible even sheds light on that.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.

 Proverbs 15:13

As many of you know I love color. I need cheerful colors around me anyway...Since I do have tendencies towards depression. The happy colors brighten up my home, making it cheery. It really does help with my mood. I rarely ever make anything and keep it for myself either. So, I decided to do something for me today. I got out my fabric stash and crafting supplies which have been gathering dust for the last several months and put together a cheerful, colorful wreath...I added in the word "Laugh" to it. To remind me, not to forget to laugh.

I made it a point to smile more today and indeed some laughter came out of my soul. and it was good. I feel better today than I have in a long time. I needed that. So, as to encourage you dear reader, we all have our own struggles, stresses and depression at times. Don't you forget to laugh and smile...Dig down deep, it's there and your gonna feel better once you get it out. I suggest you do something for yourself once in a while too.... I rarely ever do things just for me since I have a servants heart... But even a servant should make time for some TLC... Make prayer a priority in your life, Go to the Lord with all your cares, read His word, make something with your hands... Everyone is creative in some way. Take a nice bubble bath, put on some makeup, get your hair done, buy a new outfit if you can, or even window shop. Take a nice walk and enjoy God's creation, soak it up. re~ arrange your furniture to give a new look, get a manicure/pedicure, a massage, write your thoughts in a journal, paint, garden, see a funny movie, have a game night with family or friends, have a tea party.

Don't forget to

Laugh~Laugh~Laugh

 "Dear God, thank you for your Word so that I can know how to live a healthier and happier life, and in so living greatly enhance my relationships and joy. Please help me God to so live. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen." 

In Her Room

It has only been a week since the Lord took my Gramma home. My heart is aching as I have had a bit of trouble believing this is real. My Gramma has been a big part of my life... I don't know that time can heal a heart. I have looked to the Lord in prayer to help me cope. I have had the greatest support from my Husband and kids as well as sweet messages from friends. Freckles and I spent the week in my Gramma's room, in my mother's home. It was strange to say the least. Looking around her room just as she left it before she went into the hospital was like time had stopped. I took it in... The pictures on her walls, the curio filled with her sweet nick knacks, her makeup in the bathroom, all where she had left it. Every nook and cranny was filled with her. We slept in her bed, the smell of her was in the pillows. It brought tears as my heart sank.

 Trying to grasp, she is no longer here. 

To me, her room is beautiful. Gramma always loved beautiful things around her. From her tea pot collection, little cow figurines, flowers in or on everything. She had superb taste in clothing, in her linens and her food. It had to be good quality. She even enjoyed a good bargain. 

She had an eye for beauty. 

It will not be the same without her here. I am so blessed to have her as a Gramma. She touched my life... I will forever cherish every time we would get together she and I would have great conversation. When my family came to live with my parents and Gramma for six months, Freckles and I would sit on her bed every night and talk. We would talk about life, our hurts, joy, her young years in Latvia, wartime and Germany, how she met Grampa, when she came to the U.S. She talked a lot about her own Gramma. We talked about God, faith, family and the broken heart she had from relationships in her life that never had closure. She was always interested in how we were too. It was a time where I really needed someone to be there for my family and I during such a hard time. She was always there, always caring and selfless towards us. And she was there for my daughter when she needed it the most... Their bond was the sweetest. I am sure Freckles will cherish that forever. Gramma had wise words and loved unconditionally. She was amazing. I am grateful that we took the time to really get to know her with all her sweetness and even her flaws. It really didn't matter and I will never take her for granted. Life is too short. I am at peace knowing that she did believe in God.... I know she is at rest in the Lords glory. 

And I know I will see her again.

For now I will hold onto the wonderful memories we shared through the years. I don't remember a time where she wasn't there. She had me in her home for Summers. She would take me to have pancakes every morning, we would shop for clothes, I would watch her bake or cook as I sat at her feet, she would sing me sweet little songs in Latvian. I was mesmerized by her crocheting/knitting, we lived with her and Grampa several times throughout my childhood. She was always there to pick up the pieces. Into my adulthood she was still there. We enjoyed shopping in antique shops or clothing stores. She taught me how to make some Latvian dishes which I will hand down to my children...She was a fabulous cook. I learned from the best. She held my hand when I needed it the most... Just four weeks ago we went to see her in the hospital. I knew it would probably be the last time I would see her. I held her as she wept, we both wept.... She told me how much she loved me and in return I told her how very much I loved her. I held her hand in mine. I hope it helped her in her greatest time of need just as she was for me. That day was the hardest to leave. I told her I loved her in Latvian, 'Es tevi mīlu"... Then I blew her a kiss from the doorway and said "boochies" which is like a sweet way to say kisses. I paused and looked one more time and she smiled at me.

That is just how I want to remember her. 

Not in the hospital or in pain and suffering as she was... 

But the smile on her face.

She Is With The Lord...

Rita Karklins Sirs

December 04, 1931~ February 18, 2014

My beloved Gramma passed away this last week. My heart is broken...I feel a part of me has died. Yet, I am also filled with joy. Knowing that God had given me this amazing woman for all of my life. She is truly a gift. She will always be remembered with fond memories and a swelled heart that has been filled up with nothing but love. 

She is with the Lord.

Her private, yet intimate memorial was held this last Saturday at a family friends home. It was a wonderful way for our little family to come together and honor my beautiful Gramma's life. 

I had chosen a song that played during the memorial. 

Thought I would share:

******

~HOMESICK~

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Gramma, It will never be the same without you. 

You will be greatly missed.

 I miss you...

Until we meet again.

 I love you!

My Thoughts Are Of You...

A couple of weeks ago we made a trip down to Southern California to see my Gramma who has been very ill. She has been pretty ill this last year and a half. Since we were staying with her just over 6 months ago she has had pneumonia more times than I can count. She has been in and out of the hospital numerous of times with long stays in the hospital than her stays at home. She has suffered the past several years with breathing, lung, and heart problems. She suffered a small heart attack, and many other problems that come with having CPOD. Pneumonia brought her back into the hospital back in October and November. They released her but just a couple days later she had fallen three times and ended up with pneumonia once again, landing her back up in the hospital with kidney failure and stage 4 CPOD. They got her kidneys back up and running, but needed to pump her with tons of antibiotics and steroids to open her lungs in order to breathe. Now, she is almost unable to lie down without her lungs filling up. Her whole body is swollen from the steroids and her skin is like rice paper thin. 

It broke my heart as we walked through the door of her hospital room. There in the middle of the room was an old lady hunched over sleeping in a wheel chair. It did not look comfortable by any means. We came closer to her knowing this poor lady was my sweet Gramma. I leaned over her and nuzzled my face into her ear and said we were here. She awoke, looking a bit confused at first but then realized who we were standing there before her. She said she had been waiting all day for us to arrive. She sat there and asked us how we were. Each breath was hard for her, at times she had to clear her lungs with a small cough... My heart sunk. I sat on her bed, holding her hand. I used my fingers to softly caress her paper thin hands...Visions of her younger years came to mind, thinking of her hands which always worked so hard. I remember watching her cook and clean as a child and when she would rest, she would use those hands to knit the most beautiful afghans for everyone throughout the years. Now her hands are delicate. She may never use her hands to knit or crochet and possibly never cook again. My heart went into my throat. I leaned in closer to her and wrapped my arms around her.

Instantly she started to sob in my arms. Which in turn set off tears and emotions. She whispered in my ear that we were like roses in her flower garden and to always remember how much she loves us. Gramma, your words pierced deep into my heart. I don't know as of right now if this was to be our last goodbye. I will forever cherish the times we have spent together through the years. The joyful, happy times, the sad times and even the hurt times. We have been through a lot together. Our talks will forever be embedded within me for the remainder of my life. You have instilled much love and joy into my life. You have taught me so much. I cannot even find the words to express my thankfulness and gratefulness for you. As you are still in the hospital. I continue to pray for you. That you would be able to dig down deep and find the strength to fight this. I pray that you will be able to go home and do the things you always loved to do.

Gramma, my thoughts are of you...Today and always.

I love you.

Christmas Was Had...

We had a long first week at Gramma's House...settling in after our hectic move....My mom had to go to the emergency room as my Gramma was just getting out, so we have been taking care of two people that are practically out of commission. This Christmas came so fast and it flew by just as quickly as it came. It really is quite a blur. We tried to fit in some baking...with cookies &
 fudge and cheesecake mini's..
 
We also made our famous Latvian Perogies with Gramma...She makes it all from scratch...and puts it all together without a recipe. Trust me this year, I watched carefully so I know everything she does with her secret dough...It's embedded now... This has been a traditional food in our family for as long as I can remember. They are so yummy.
 
Freckles and I did a couple little crafty things as well. We played with wool. She made this adorable little Hedgie with a red bow on her head. Crafting with wool is quite addictive.
 I made her a little owl and a snowman...not pictured.

Maestro and Freckles were a great help to their Great Gramma for Christmas dinner. They were in the kitchen for hours preparing the feast. Thank you to my kids for having such a sweet servants heart...We couldn't have had the feast without them and that is the truth.
 
The day after Christmas was a dreary dark day...We are hanging low, trying to unwind from all the stuff going on right now. I am surely praying for a better year ahead.

I leave you with my favorite picture of the day...My sweet Freckles
Have a happy week ahead as you prepare for the coming New Year festivities.
XOXO

It's March Alredy? Hello March....

It's March. I can't believe it. Spring is in the air. We have spent just about the whole Winter ill with something...But all through that I am trying to keep a big ole smile on my face and move forward. Since having pneumonia earlier this month...my son and I have not gotten any better. I have officially been coughing for 4 weeks. So we both went to the Doctors on Tuesday, and found out we have bronchitis. So off to taking antibiotics and prayerfully on  the road to a full recovery. Perhaps my favorite flowery top will cheer things up a bit. ha ha.
 
Our daughter ( Freckles) came home from camp on Sunday...She made it and I didn't have to worry about a thing. She had a blast with her friends and won first place in their skit...She was exhausted when she got home and unfortunately we didn't have much time to talk before we got a dreadful call from my mom that my Gramma was in the hospital. By the evening they had put her in the ICU. I wasn't sure if this was it...My mom and sister were a wreck so I drove up to give them support and to see my Gramma. her blood pressure was something in the realm of 70ish over 20ish something....And kidneys were on the verge of failure. My mom said she just wasn't herself for several days, talking nonsense gibberish, and almost drinking soap. I was shocked. We were all there in the waiting room...waiting, finally had the chance to see her. She wasn't herself. We prayed and waited around and saw her up to her own room in ICU. I decided to stay at my mom's with my sister just in case she worsened throughout the night. We tried to sleep...It was hard to rest with a clear mind...Thankfully no call was made so we made it over to the hospital and saw her. She was 10X's better, a bit confused as to everything that occurred, she did not remember any of it. Poor Gramma was trying to piece it all together in her mind. She had me write her a note that we were there, the time the date, just so she wouldn't forget we were there. We had the chance to talk to the doc...He said she had probably taken so much meds.... possibly forgetting she took it and what she took to the point of practically overdosing herself. Poor Gramma. She is getting older and has been a concern of possible dementia...The Doc. said , yes that is also the case. (sigh). After a couple days in the hospital she was able to go home...My mom will now be administering her meds. Thank God. Now to keep her mentally challenged as much as possible. I pray she will be with us for many more years. I cannot fathom her forgetting who we are, my heart would break. I am grateful for the wonderful times we have recently spent with her visiting and talking all about her life in Latvia and Germany and her meeting my Grampa and coming to America. It is forever embedded in my heart and mind. Those are the times I wish to remember with her. Please keep her in prayer and for my family to cope with it all.

To add to my One Thousand Gifts list:
46. I am thankful for the breath of life
47. The wonderful opportunity for my daughter to spread her wings a bit
48. Family
49. For the Lord's healing hands
50. My Gramma's strength, making it through this hurtle...keep praying for that strength.